Not A Neat Little Package
Life just isn't neat. Or pretty. Or perfectly wrapped up with a bow and handed to you.
Some days you go to work with less than clean hair and makeup that you applied immediately after crawling out of bed at 3:15 a.m. Some days you have to serve breakfast to a bunch of cute, soon to be successfully employed college guys while wearing an XL uniform that hangs to your fingers and knees because that's the smallest clean size today.
And then there are days when life hands you big decisions. Decisions that have consequences, some good, some bad, all very important. Decisions that make ten-hour shifts and stacks of dirty dishes seem attractive, as long as they keep your mind off the life changing opportunity you should or should not pursue.
I'm a storyteller by nature. So I like creating stories that have purposeful plots and sensible endings that make all chaos and confusion fall perfectly into place.
No surprise that life never works out that way. Yet for some reason, I expect it to!
Okay, enough with the vague musings. What the heck is this crazy girl talking about? I mean, seriously, does she really expect me to understand any of this?
No, no I don't. So feel free to hit the little "x" button and leave me to my thoughts. I won't be offended! :)
But if you're curious. I'll attempt to give you an even vaguer summary of Lauren's life in the last two weeks.
Suffice it to say, I checked my email several days ago and was shocked to discover an invitation to a job interview. The job was far from glamorous, not particularly high paying, and perhaps most importantly, out of town. Not like "well, that's a long commute" out of town. As in, "I have to move states away" out of town. So why, you ask, did I even consider this job?
Many reasons. One, I get bored after awhile and the idea of moving to a place that's busy, fresh and brimming with opportunities was definitely appealing. Two, I'd be moving to a place that holds many great memories and lifelong friends. Three, I thought that maybe, maybe God was calling me there.
That last reason was rather...perplexing. To say I was back and forth between whether I should or should not interview and take the job is an understatement. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life! I spent hours and hours just thinking about the consequences of either decision, playing scenarios and "what if"s endlessly in my mind. And after all that thinking, I still didn't know what to do!
I mean, how could I be sure what God was "calling me to do"? What if I decided not to interview and missed an amazing opportunity? Or what if I did interview, got the job, and moved to a place God didn't want me? How was I supposed to know what was right? Especially when Jesus seemed to frustratingly silent?
Finally, after days of arguing back and forth with God, myself and others, I cancelled the interview. And somehow in that moment I felt, overwhelming, both calm and regret. I felt just as confused as ever. Did I make the right decision? I don't know. I really don't. Sometimes I think maybe I did. Maybe, for now, I should stay where I am. Then other times, like Wednesday at 1 o'clock when I could have been in an interview, it's all I can do to keep the disappointment from swelling in my chest.
I've asked God, as we all seem to do in tough situations, what is the point of all this? Why would He place such an enormous decision in my lap, and then just...leave it there? Without any advice at all.
And though this ridiculously puzzling situation forced me into some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, I know that I've learned some things. (Thank goodness, or this would NOT be worth it!) Namely, that I'm not sure that "God's will" is what we think "God's will" is. See, sometimes I think that, like the stories I write, God has this one track for my life and that if I slip up and make one "wrong" decision, for example, what job I take, then I've made a terrible mistake and have been booted off the "God's will" train.
But when I read the Bible, I don't see God sending people to hell because they chose not to move to take a job. Not to say we shouldn't drown life decisions in prayer. We should. But, really, I think God cares more about me developing attributes like love, patience, and joy than He does about which state I live in. God just wants me to talk to and about Him everyday, in the moment, instead of wiling away hours trying to unravel my future.
If I really believe that God's will ultimately prevails, then shouldn't I actually live my life likewise, i.e., not freak out about every little, tiny, possibly life changing decision? I get so caught up in future planning that I miss the hurting, lost people right in front of my face.
And that is what truly breaks Jesus' heart.
Whew, okay! I'm sure none of that made any sense at all, but oh well! Life is not a neat little package! And that's why it took me so long to write all this out. I was waiting on a way to wrap all of this up. I was hoping for resolution when Jesus just hasn't given me such!
But if there's one takeaway from this, it's that I need to stop worrying about what's looming mysteriously down the road and start loving the people that are flying past me, right where I am. Because no matter how many missed turns or detours there are on the road, there are always people near me that need Jesus.
So forget making sense in life! Just love people and show them Jesus! And embrace confusion. Sometimes God's silence teaches more than His voice.
Some days you go to work with less than clean hair and makeup that you applied immediately after crawling out of bed at 3:15 a.m. Some days you have to serve breakfast to a bunch of cute, soon to be successfully employed college guys while wearing an XL uniform that hangs to your fingers and knees because that's the smallest clean size today.
And then there are days when life hands you big decisions. Decisions that have consequences, some good, some bad, all very important. Decisions that make ten-hour shifts and stacks of dirty dishes seem attractive, as long as they keep your mind off the life changing opportunity you should or should not pursue.
I'm a storyteller by nature. So I like creating stories that have purposeful plots and sensible endings that make all chaos and confusion fall perfectly into place.
No surprise that life never works out that way. Yet for some reason, I expect it to!
Okay, enough with the vague musings. What the heck is this crazy girl talking about? I mean, seriously, does she really expect me to understand any of this?
No, no I don't. So feel free to hit the little "x" button and leave me to my thoughts. I won't be offended! :)
But if you're curious. I'll attempt to give you an even vaguer summary of Lauren's life in the last two weeks.
Suffice it to say, I checked my email several days ago and was shocked to discover an invitation to a job interview. The job was far from glamorous, not particularly high paying, and perhaps most importantly, out of town. Not like "well, that's a long commute" out of town. As in, "I have to move states away" out of town. So why, you ask, did I even consider this job?
Many reasons. One, I get bored after awhile and the idea of moving to a place that's busy, fresh and brimming with opportunities was definitely appealing. Two, I'd be moving to a place that holds many great memories and lifelong friends. Three, I thought that maybe, maybe God was calling me there.
That last reason was rather...perplexing. To say I was back and forth between whether I should or should not interview and take the job is an understatement. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life! I spent hours and hours just thinking about the consequences of either decision, playing scenarios and "what if"s endlessly in my mind. And after all that thinking, I still didn't know what to do!
I mean, how could I be sure what God was "calling me to do"? What if I decided not to interview and missed an amazing opportunity? Or what if I did interview, got the job, and moved to a place God didn't want me? How was I supposed to know what was right? Especially when Jesus seemed to frustratingly silent?
Finally, after days of arguing back and forth with God, myself and others, I cancelled the interview. And somehow in that moment I felt, overwhelming, both calm and regret. I felt just as confused as ever. Did I make the right decision? I don't know. I really don't. Sometimes I think maybe I did. Maybe, for now, I should stay where I am. Then other times, like Wednesday at 1 o'clock when I could have been in an interview, it's all I can do to keep the disappointment from swelling in my chest.
I've asked God, as we all seem to do in tough situations, what is the point of all this? Why would He place such an enormous decision in my lap, and then just...leave it there? Without any advice at all.
And though this ridiculously puzzling situation forced me into some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, I know that I've learned some things. (Thank goodness, or this would NOT be worth it!) Namely, that I'm not sure that "God's will" is what we think "God's will" is. See, sometimes I think that, like the stories I write, God has this one track for my life and that if I slip up and make one "wrong" decision, for example, what job I take, then I've made a terrible mistake and have been booted off the "God's will" train.
But when I read the Bible, I don't see God sending people to hell because they chose not to move to take a job. Not to say we shouldn't drown life decisions in prayer. We should. But, really, I think God cares more about me developing attributes like love, patience, and joy than He does about which state I live in. God just wants me to talk to and about Him everyday, in the moment, instead of wiling away hours trying to unravel my future.
If I really believe that God's will ultimately prevails, then shouldn't I actually live my life likewise, i.e., not freak out about every little, tiny, possibly life changing decision? I get so caught up in future planning that I miss the hurting, lost people right in front of my face.
And that is what truly breaks Jesus' heart.
Whew, okay! I'm sure none of that made any sense at all, but oh well! Life is not a neat little package! And that's why it took me so long to write all this out. I was waiting on a way to wrap all of this up. I was hoping for resolution when Jesus just hasn't given me such!
But if there's one takeaway from this, it's that I need to stop worrying about what's looming mysteriously down the road and start loving the people that are flying past me, right where I am. Because no matter how many missed turns or detours there are on the road, there are always people near me that need Jesus.
So forget making sense in life! Just love people and show them Jesus! And embrace confusion. Sometimes God's silence teaches more than His voice.
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